


i love you?

by billyhargay (ndhzt)



Series: Emotions Are Hard. [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, M/M, PTSD, Trauma, bipolar character, will be tagged appropriately as time goes on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 07:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19786489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ndhzt/pseuds/billyhargay
Summary: Billy had never felt safe, not even when his mom was still around.





	i love you?

Billy doesn’t know how to say, “I love you.”

It’s hard enough for him to allow the gentle touches and handholding that comes his way, he can’t help but ache somewhere deep in his chest for Harrington’s open palmed hand to become a closed, vengeful fist. It wasn't his fault. It's all he’s known.

He was rather confused to a point; Steve’s parents barely interact with their son outside of the dinners he rarely attends to. How would Steve know how to show affection himself?

It’s when he met Nancy, for the first real time when she didn’t have a shotgun in her hand, does he realize where Steve learned it from. He wished he could learn it too, maybe even learn it from him, but every time Steve got closer or brushed his hand against his own, he felt himself reeling back within himself like a hissing cat who touched water.

That is, until Steve was asleep.

Billy always had trouble falling asleep, even if he wasn’t in his own bedroom with the constant immediate threat of Neil looming over his head, the man had trained him well enough to fear even future threats, to fear doing anything that could be deemed wrong by him in case it was discovered and properly punished. Only when he found himself laying next to the supposed King Steve, he finally felt like his father couldn’t see him. He wasn’t safe, no, he never was, but the all seeing eye his bastard man had seemed to have closed in Harrington’s home.

Maybe…just maybe he could be open there. Not at all when Steve was awake of course, he’s sure if he suddenly went all lovey dovey and shit on him Steve would laugh him right out of his bed. Billy Hargrove wasn’t soft. Billy Hargrove was a cruel asshole who didn’t care how he hurt others, as long as he himself got enjoyment out of their pain.

That night, he ended up pulling Steve closer instead, strong arms holding him so softly as if he was scared he would break him. He knew he wouldn’t, he knew Steve had taken a lot worse from him, but that was before. That was before Billy realized he loved him.

Oh _god_ , even the thought made him feel on edge. He loved Steve Harrington despite everything, and on that not so special night, he was trying to say it outloud for the darkness to hear.

Keyword: trying.

It almost physically hurt, and mouthing the syllables silently to himself made him feel sick and strained, made him feel worse than the days he’d spend hungover at the toilet trying to ignore Neil’s banging on the bathroom door just long enough to let the room stop spinning around him. He felt too open and exposed, even with the old shirt Steve had lent him and the pajama pants he snatched from him weeks ago. Billy would probably never be able to say it without feeling like he was dying.

“I…” Billy let out, the sound surprising even himself. Steve shifted in his arms, the breath hitting his ear disrupting him more than the sound.

Billy was scared. Billy was _terrified_.

He wondered if this was how Robin felt, when she had opened up to Steve about her sexuality.  The prettyboy was the first person she told, had said Steve made her feel safe enough- in a dirty public bathroom after just escaping a hidden Russian military unit that drugged them both- to come out as a lesbian. Billy stared off at the banana bunch they had for the S.S. Butterscotch’s they were always making as she told him the revised tale, after he had asked her how Steve made her feel.

“Safe.” Was her final answer. Billy had never felt safe, not even when his mom was still around.

With barely escaping a Mind Flayer with his life, with Steve having visited him in that hidden hospital more than his own step sister had, even with the days Steve had cried over him when he thought he was unconscious, he didn’t take down his guard. He was trying though. He was trying.

Billy’s mouth cracked open again, another strained “I…” escaping. He sounded so small.

“… _I’m sorry_.” He settled on instead. “I’m sorry. I wish…”

_I wish I could say it_ , he thought, as he curled up closer to Steve’s relaxed form, pulling the blankets over his shoulders and hiding his face away in his…person’s shoulder. His person. Easier to stomach than boyfriend.

Maybe he’d ask Robin later that day on how to communicate to someone about something this personal. If that weird girl who grew up in some sort of lab could be communicative enough to get the nerd as her boyfriend and even manage to get the chief of police to be open with her, Billy could too.

He’d try again the next night. He at least trusted Steve enough to wait for him.


End file.
